The Long And Winding Road
by Rob5
Summary: Carter goes into a downward spiral, causing Abby to rethink an important decision she made. My first fic :) Please R/R
1. Devastation

Title: The Long And Winding Road  
Author: Rob - fatabbot@btinternet.com  
Archive: Not without permission please  
Category: Carter/Abby  
Rating: PG-13 for a bit of bad language and nasty thoughts  
Spoilers: All of season 7  
Author's notes: This is my first fic, so please go easy on it :)  
Disclaimer: The characters used in this story are not owned by myself. I just borrowing them, and promise to give them back.  
Summary: Carter goes into a downward spiral, causing Abby to rethink a important decision she's made.  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
The Long And Winding Road  
  
  
Chapter 1 - Devastation  
  
"And I don't want to be your friend."  
  
John Carter had regretted saying it as soon as it left his mouth. He'd tried to cover it up, like he did with virtually everything that happened in his life, with a wry smile, but he could swear she saw the look on his face. The 'oh shit why did I say that' look. He walked (ran) away before anything could be said. Running again.  
  
He walked back down the river thinking about what he'd done. Why did he have to go and open his big mouth and ruin everything? Why did he have to spoil it? He'd been drug free for months, he felt good about himself, and he had a great friend to be there for him. Now he realised that that friend was gone. And he was on his own again. He couldn't go back to her. It would never be the same.  
  
Oh god...  
  
****   
  
"And I don't want to be your friend."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
Abby Lockheart sat on the bench by the river, too shocked to move. She had always suspected Carter had *some* feelings for her, but she never expected those feelings to be so severe. She thought about all the things that they had done together; AA meetings, the charity ball, the road trip to bring her bipolar mother back to Chicago. She remembered the events with fondness and smiled slowly. She has always thought of Carter as her one true friend. Luka didn't understand her like Carter and she knew it. No one else had been through what they had been through. Her smile quickly disappeared as she realised that this friendship, one that she cherished so much, was over.  
  
What she had with Luka wasn't perfect, but it was easy. Well easy enough anyway. There was no emotional bond between them but it was a comfortable relationship to be in. She thought about her friend, her lover, and herself, until she realised that she had to get back to County.  
  
The rest of her shift went quickly enough. Unsurprisingly she didn't see Carter; he was always on the other side of the ER. The drama that had unfolded before them with all the gun shot wounds coming in thick and fast was over. She never found out what had happened to the shooter but she didn't care. The whole time she was there she was in a daze, not communicating with patients, not communicating with doctors. Luka asked her if she was ok. She said no, and asked if it was alright if she could be alone tonight. He obliged just like he always did. So she went home alone to an empty apartment. She would have some serious thinking to do that night.  
  
****   
  
Carter was sitting in the dark alone in his apartment. Still silently blasting himself for what he had done. He had wanted to say something to her ever since they got back from Oklahoma and he had something a lot better to say in his head. It played through every time he saw her. Then when he finally had the chance to tell her, he blurted out something that was a load of crap. Why? Why did he say to her that being her friend wasn't convenient for him? Where the fuck did that come from? He cupped his head in his hands and sighed. Looking up at the clock he noticed that he was working in a few hours. Retreating to his bed he lay with his eyes open knowing that he wasn't going to get to sleep.  
  
Oh god...  
  
****   
  
Carter walked slowly through the doors of Cook County and prepared himself for what was going to be a tough day. He knew Abby was working as well as him and he knew he couldn't avoid her again. Something had to be said to try and get this sorted out, but he was lost for words.  
  
Abby was sitting at the admin desk and noticed Carter coming in. He didn't see her, but she wasn't sure she wanted him too. She looked at him carefully and noticed the expression on his face... he hadn't slept either...  
  
"Abby!" Kerry Weaver shouted to attract her attention. Abby jumped and turned around.  
  
"Yes Dr. Weaver"  
  
Kerry frowned, "Could you please see to Mr Jones in exam two, he's been waiting for you."  
  
"Sure," Abby replied and started on her way.  
  
"Wake up Abby there are patients who need to be seen!" Kerry was her usual self.  
  
Carter approached the desk looking through the patient files for something interesting. "Good Morning Dr. Weaver," he said, trying to sound awake.  
  
"Morning Carter," Kerry replied, noting his tired face, "have trouble sleeping?"  
  
"Me... no I had no problems getting to..." he drifted away as he saw Abby walk out into the corridor. She looked at him for a second, turned and walked away. He wondered if....  
  
"CARTER!!" Weaver cried, losing her patience, "hurry up, find a patient!"  
  
Carter shook his head from side to side, "Sorry, sorry, I have one here," he said.  
  
"What the hell is going on with everyone today!" Kerry shouted to make sure everyone in the ER could hear her, "Lets wake up and get going!"  
  
****   
  
It had been a slow day. No traumas, no accidents, nothing. The patients coming in were the kind Carter could deal with in his sleep. He looked out at Chicago from the roof and breathed in the air. It wasn't the best of days.  
  
****   
  
"Abby?" Luka called out gently; she looked up at him. "I said Mrs Harris needs a change of clothes," he smirked, "we had a little accident."  
  
"Ok... erm, ok" Abby was hesitant and detached. Luka looked at her, confused.  
  
"Are you ok?" he asked, words that were familiar to him now, "you seem off today."  
  
Abby hesitated again, "Erm... could you... could you get one of the other nurses to take care of it. I need to speak with Carter about something. Do you know where he is?"  
  
Luka frowned, annoyed, "he's on the roof taking his break. What do you want to talk to him about?"  
  
"Its nothing really, I just need to speak to him. Tell Kerry I'm having my break ok?" and with that she walked away.  
  
Luka frowned again, "what is it with her and Carter?" he said to himself quietly.  
  
****   
  
Abby opened the door and began to step out onto the roof when she looked up and saw Carter. He was facing away from her, staring out into space. She took a deep breath and approached him.  
  
"Hi Abby," Carter said with his back to her. Abby was startled at first, but she knew that he had known it was her.  
  
"Hi," was all she could muster. Carter turned around and looked into her eyes. She now saw how badly he looked. His face was tired, dejected, and empty. She felt the tears swelling up in her eyes. "I needed to talk to you."  
  
Carter managed a half smile, "I figured you would."  
  
Abby looked out at the buildings trying to summon up courage she knew she never had. "Yeah... about..."  
  
"Yesterday?" Carter was finishing her sentences for her now. She thought about how he was so much stronger than she was, and how he was always so supportive of her.  
  
"Yeah, look Carter I..." she looked at him briefly and then looked away again. "Erm... you are my best friend and I... I..." she felt the tears pushing through and bit her lip. Carter was staring at her, burning a hole through her with his eyes. She had to stop to compose herself. "I'm staying with Luka..." she paused, thinking about what else she could say.  
  
"Huh," Carter half laughed, half coughed and he looked down at his feet, trying to hide his expression. Trying to hide his pain, his dejection. He felt like he was going to cry and he didn't want her to see him like this.  
  
Abby continued, "Carter, I wish we could stay friends but I know how things like this work and I know that that won't happen." Another pause, "I just want you to know that I care about you John."  
  
Carter nodded slowly. Still looking at the floor. He tried to smile for her, show that he was ok but he couldn't. All he could do was leave. He had to get away. He had to run again. He turned slowly and, without looking at her, headed for the door.  
  
"Carter," Abby called out but it didn't help. The door closed and Abby was alone. Again. She felt the tears roll down her cheeks. She looked out at Chicago, lit a cigarette, and cried.  
  
****   
  
She jumped when she felt someone's arms wrap around her waist. She looked up to see Luka. Half-smiling, half concerned. "Hi," was once again the only word she could say.  
  
"You've been up here for half an hour," Luka said "Weaver wants you down now." She nodded, acknowledging that she had to return to the trenches. She turned to go but Luka held on to her hand, "Is something going on between you and Carter?" he asked.  
  
Abby frowned, annoyed at being asked the same question for the millionth time, "Luka! I'm tired of you asking..."  
  
"No I didn't mean it like that," he cut her off, "when he came down from here he said to Kerry that he had to go... he's gone home."   
  
Abby looked surprised but she knew she had no right to be. She had probably hurt Carter deeply, and he needed an escape. She felt like crying again. "Oh... no. He didn't look well this morning, maybe that's got something to do with it." She cursed the fact that she was such a good liar.  
  
Luka shrugged his shoulders, "yeah I suppose so," he said as he led her back downstairs.  
  
****   
  
"I'm not here, this isn't happening."  
  
Carter stumbled along the streets, making his way back home. He was crushed and he didn't care if the whole city knew. He just wanted to get back to his apartment. He felt the tears in his eyes, but he held them back. Pushing past a few more people and knocking over a garbage can, he almost crawled up to the front door of his building. Fumbling with the key, he felt like putting his hand through the glass panes that surrounded him. Finally managing to open it, he ran up several flights of stairs, almost kicked his door down and ran inside. Slamming the door behind him, which caused an angry neighbour to bang on her wall, he looked around, feeling dizzy. Quickly, without thinking, he ran into the bathroom and vomited into the sink. He looked at his face in the mirror and he could hardly recognise it. He hadn't ever felt like this before. Cupping his hands under the cold water tap he splashed his face, hopelessly trying to knock himself out of this daze. He had almost caught himself unawares as to the depth of his feelings for Abby. He looked up at the mirror again, seeing the tears in his eyes. There was nothing else he could do but cry. So he did. He cried harder than he had ever done in his life.  
  
He cried himself to sleep.  
  
****   
  
"Please could you stop the noise I'm trying to get some rest."  
  
He hardly ever had pleasant dreams. He was plagued by nightmares. Nightmares about Gant, Chase, Lucy and Bobby. He would wake up with sweat rolling down his face and body, breathing heavily until he would realise where he was. These dreams had subsided, much to his relief, ever since he started going to meetings. But now he was haunted by a new nightmare. Abby... She had hurt him more than anyone had ever hurt him before, all he felt was the pain and he wanted it to go away....  
  
RIIINNNNNGGGG!  
  
Carter was awoken by something, and he looked around puzzled. It took him a few seconds to realise where he was... he must have been asleep for a while, it was dark. He could feel the sweat dripping off his face...  
  
RIIINNNNNGGGG!  
  
Again. It was hurting his head, he curled up tightly into a ball and wanted it to stop. The phone however was relentless. It kept ringing until it made Carter scream. It was like a jackhammer.  
  
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" he shrieked. And with that, the ringing stopped. He sighed, relieved, but he knew it wasn't over. He could hear his own voice, distant, muffled. Then he heard the machine click.  
  
"Hi... erm Carter its me... Abby... I erm... I realise that you might not want to talk to me right now, but I'm worried about you. The way you left earlier today was... scary. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I was going to come over but Weaver has made me take on another shift so call me whenever you feel like it ok?... erm bye."  
  
He felt like laughing, but he hurt too much. Why did she torment him? Why couldn't she just leave him alone? Why did she have to... Why did...  
  
His thoughts trailed into the distance as he looked at his medicine cabinet. It was then he realised that there was a way to end his pain.  
  
"I love you Abby," he said out loud as he hoisted himself up.  
  
****   
  
The roof was like forbidden ground now. She never wanted to go up there again. The look Carter had on his face when she told him tore her to pieces. Whenever she closed her eyes she just saw his face. A look of pain etched across it, the way he turned without saying anything or even looking at her. She felt as though she had ruined his life, just as he was getting in control of it.  
  
She patiently waited for the coffee machine to fill up and silently cursed the fact that she let Weaver make her take on an extra shift. She gave in too easily. She should have gone to see Carter.  
  
****   
  
"I jumped in the river what did I see? Black eyed angels swam with me."  
  
Blurred, confused, cold and dazed, he walked not quite sure he was heading in the right direction. He didn't even know where he was going and why. He just got up out of his apartment and started walking. His eyes had gone blurry and he couldn't walk in a straight line. Nobody who saw him cared. To them he was just another, drunk or drugged up criminal walking the streets at three in the morning who was too wasted to do anything. Stopping to steady himself, he felt a sudden rush to his head. He didn't have much time left.  
  
He felt his legs give way, but he had to carry on walking.  
  
Fiercely committed to his task, it seemed like an eternity for Carter to walk two more, blurred, streets until his right leg gave in. He collapsed onto one knee. Looking up, he saw what he thought was a familiar place. Using what strength he had left in him he managed to stand once again and take a few more steps. Then he stopped again and tried to breathe.  
  
All of a sudden he felt tired.  
  
Falling onto both knees this time. He cursed loudly as he felt blood around his left leg. He tried to pull himself up again but he had nothing left.  
  
With a resigned sigh. Carter collapsed into a pile of snow on the sidewalk. The pain was gone.  
  
****   
  
"What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here."  
  
****   
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  



	2. Consequences

Title: The Long And Winding Road  
Author: Rob - fatabbot@btinternet.com  
Archive: Not without permission please  
Category: Carter/Abby  
Rating: PG-13 for a bit of bad language and nasty thoughts  
Spoilers: All of season 7  
Author's notes: Please excuse any incorrect medical terminology or procedures in this chapter. My knowledge of them is somewhat limited :)  
Disclaimer: The characters used in this story are not owned by myself. I just borrowing them, and promise to give them back. Also, any lyrics used in this story to head a scene were not written by myself. Again I am just borrowing them and giving them back untainted.  
Summary: Carter goes into a downward spiral, causing Abby to rethink a important decision she's made.  
  
  
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The Long And Winding Road  
  
  
Chapter 2 - Consequences  
  
Dr's Jing-Mei Chen and Mark Greene stood outside the ER waiting for a trauma to come in. Some guy had stolen a car, gone on the run from the police and ploughed into a lamppost. They both stood shivering waiting to save yet another criminals life.  
  
"What's the ETA for this guy?" Chen asked.  
  
"Should be here in about five minutes," Mark replied, watching the mist from his mouth that was his own breath. It was freezing.  
  
Chen watched him, smiling, "Can you ever remember it being this cold at this time of year?"  
  
Mark paused a moment to try and recall a moment like this, "probably last year." He said smirking. They both laughed. Mark looked out on the road again to try and see if the ambulance was almost there. It was then that he noticed something. "How long has that bum been lying over there," pointing to a man lying face down in the snow.  
  
"... I don't know... I hadn't seen him." Chen replied.  
  
"Watch my back," Mark said, and they both laughed again. He walked across the street to get a closer look. "He's still breathing!" He jokingly called out to Chen and he heard her laugh. He got to a comfortable distance and stopped, he wasn't taking any chances. "C'mon buddy let's go!" he called out, getting no response from the bum. "Hey! I said C'mon!" raising his voice a little more. Again he got no response. Risking it, he knelt down a shook the man, trying to get him to answer. "C'mon buddy move!" He rolled the man over and froze...   
  
"DR CHEN!!"  
  
****   
  
"What do you want to do tomorrow night?" Luka asked Abby. "I thought we could go to dinner and see a movie or something."  
  
Abby, looked up, having only caught half of his question, "erm... I'm not sure," she replied, "I don't really feel like doing anything."  
  
Luka frowned, "c'mon, we haven't done anything together for almost a month now."  
  
"I know... it's just... I don't feel to good that's all,"  
  
"Ok when we've finished our shifts, we'll go back to my hotel, sleep for a few days, then do something. How's that sound?" Luka smiled.  
  
"I... erm... I don't know," she said.  
  
Luka frowned again, "Ok then fine," he said, annoyed, as he walked out.  
  
Abby realised he was upset and called out, "Luka!" but he didn't stop. She rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. Why was this such a chore?  
  
****   
  
Mark and Jing-Mei knelt over the freezing, almost lifeless body lying on the floor, working frantically and crying out for help.  
  
"What's happened to him?" Chen asked, frightened.  
  
"I'm not sure," Mark replied, "I think he's had an overdose," he said somewhat disappointed.  
  
"I can't believe it," Chen said, visibly upset. She knelt close to the man's face, "John.... John can you hear me? It's Deb. Can you hear me?" she got no response.  
  
****   
  
"Look into my eyes. I'm not coming back."  
  
Carter was lying face up in the snow, with the two doctors working desperately to revive him. He had his eyes half-open, but was not responding to anything they did or said. His skin was pale white and freezing. Abby had destroyed him with the news that she wasn't going to leave Luka for him. So much so that he needed a release. That was why he took the pills, this was what he wanted.  
  
****   
  
"WE NEED SOME HELP OUT HERE!!" Mark shouted out for what seemed like the tenth time.  
  
Finally Luka ran over, "what's the problem?" he asked, unable to see Carter from where he was standing.  
  
Without looking at him, Mark said slowly "Carter's had an overdose,"  
  
Luka was dumbfounded, "What!"  
  
"We're not sure what he's taken but we need to get him inside the ER now," Chen said, "could you get some nurses with a gurney out for us?" Chen asked, seemingly in control of her emotions.  
  
"Sure," Luka said, still unsure of what to do or what to say. He turned and started to go back inside.  
  
"Luka!" Mark called out.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"There's a trauma coming in any second now. Could you take care of it?"  
  
"Sure," Luka said as he turned and walked slowly back inside. Haleh was the first to see him and noticed his expression.  
  
"Is there something wrong Dr. Kovac?"  
  
"Something's happened to Carter..."  
  
****   
  
Abby looked at herself in the mirror, noticing how terrible she looked. She hadn't had any sleep in the last 48 hours and it showed. Her eyes looked awful, and her whole face seemed like it just wanted to collapse. She wondered why she agreed to do this shift in the first place, as every movement she made required a huge amount of effort. She laughed to herself as she pictured falling asleep in the middle of suturing a patient, or dozing off while listening to a resident giving a diagnosis and prescribing drugs. She was snapped out of her little comic interlude by all the shouting going on outside. Wondering what was going on she stepped through the door. Just as she opened it, Kerry, Mark, Chen, Haleh and Chuni wheeled Carter past the lounge...  
  
"Carter?" she called out, surprised.  
  
Kerry was giving out all sorts of orders, "We need someone to go with Luka's trauma. Haleh, go with Dr. Kovac. Chen go with Kovac," she said. Abby glanced over her shoulder to see Luka with his patient.  
  
"Dr. Weaver, I would prefer to stay with Dr. Carter," Chen replied, wanting to stay with her friend.  
  
"Carter?" Abby called out again.  
  
"I won't get drawn into a debate about this Dr. Chen, there's no time to waste! Go with Dr. Kovac!" Kerry said as Chen reluctantly agreed and turned around to go with Luka. Walking past Abby as she did so.  
  
"Dr. Chen what's happened to Carter?" Abby asked.  
  
Chen sighed and said, " we think he's had an overdose..."  
  
Kerry called out, "Abby we need you in here!"  
  
Abby looked down at the gurney with Carter's body on it. "JOHN!!" she called out running over to the trauma room. "What's going on? What's happened to John?" she called out trying to barge past Mark who was holding her back.  
  
"Abby calm down, calm down!" he said. Abby stopped pushing him. "Abby, Carter has had an OD. We're not sure what he's taken but we need you to stay calm ok?"  
  
Abby couldn't believe Carter would relapse, "ok," she replied softly. As the rest of the staff worked frantically to revive him, Abby found that she could not move. It felt as though she was glued to the floor. All she could do was look into his eyes. Still open, and harvesting the look of hurt, anger and pain. Only now he had a hopeless expression. Abby felt the tears coming again as she realised John was giving up.  
  
She was awoken from her daze by the heart monitor. For some reason it sounded louder now than it had ever done before.  
  
"He's crashing!" Chuni called out, another staff member who couldn't believe what they were seeing.  
  
Abby still wasn't thinking straight, she couldn't stop looking into his eyes. She felt a few lonely tears drop slowly down her face, she was trying to speak, but all that protruded from her mouth was an inaudible whisper...  
  
"ABBY HAND ME THE PADDLES!" Kerry again screaming at the top of her voice. Chuni reacted first, handing over the paddles to her and charging them.  
  
Abby threw up her hands in defeat and whimpered, "I'm so sorry... I just can't do this." She was surprised she could speak, but still turned and walked quickly out of the room.  
  
"Abby where are you going!" Mark called after her but she didn't listen. Pushing through the doors she turned around briefly to see Carter getting shocked. Turning away again. She ran into the women's bathroom.  
  
****   
  
"I'm not here, this isn't happening."  
  
Abby walked up to the mirror and took a long look at herself. Why would he do this? Why would Carter relapse? He seemed to be in such control of his addiction. It didn't make any sense... She looked at her reflection again, maybe she would have the answers. Everything had come to a head over the last few days. It seemed like only minutes ago that Carter was telling her that he didn't want to be her friend. Now he was lying on the table in a trauma room fighting for his life when he had no fight left in him. "Why did you do it John?" she said aloud, "was it me?" She surprised herself with what she said. Taking a step back she thought about it. Did he overdose because of her? She wrapped her arms around her body for comfort. Wiping the tears away from her eyes she thought about the fact that Carter could die because of her. She covered her mouth with her hand and felt the tears coming back.  
  
****   
  
Everyone standing around Carter's body breathed a heavy sigh of relief when his condition stabilised. Looking at him lying on the trauma room table they still couldn't believe what he had done. As Chuni cleared up the equipment and prepared Carter to be taken up to intensive care, Mark and Kerry looked down on him, feeling disappointed in themselves.  
  
"I don't understand why he would do this," Kerry said, "he seemed to be coping brilliantly."  
  
"I know," Mark agreed, "He didn't show any signs of drug use. Every test he has taken since he got back from rehab has been negative. I thought he was doing great."  
  
Kerry was staring into space, "Do you think it was because he was turned down for chief resident?" she said, with a small amount of fear in her voice.  
  
Mark looked at her, sensing she needed comfort, "Kerry, you know Carter. There's no way he would let a setback like that get him down."  
  
Kerry was adamant, "Mark, we hardly know Carter at all. Sure we thought we knew him. We didn't think he was a drug addict before. Remember that? I can't believe this."  
  
"Kerry! Carter seemed fine, his performance at work hasn't faltered at all, not like it did last time. He's been getting better every day. The only time I actually noticed that he didn't look so good was yesterday."  
  
Kerry took a moment to remember, "Yeah... Yeah I remember now. He looked tired, but he said he was fine. Then later on he came running down from the roof and insisted he be allowed to go home." She found comfort in that he wasn't badly affected by her returning his application.  
  
"You see? it was something else," Mark said.  
  
"But what could have affected him so badly?" Kerry asked, confused.  
  
****   
  
"Every day, every hour. Just wish that I... was bullet-proof."  
  
Abby stood on the roof, frantically puffing on a cigarette, frightened for her friend and for herself. If Carter died she didn't know what she would do. She was the reason he overdosed, she was certain of that now. Everything that she said to him the last time she was up here... 'She was staying with Luka, she knew that they couldn't be friends' how did she know that. "Some friendships get through tough times," she said to herself. They could have worked it out. Why did she have to say that their friendship was over? She held her head in her hand and sighed heavily.  
  
"You know talking to yourself is the first sign of madness," Mark said, standing at the door. She must have heard her mumbling to herself.  
  
Abby attempted a half-smile, "Hi Dr. Greene."  
  
"Everyone's kinda worried about you downstairs," he said, trying not to mention all the gossip that was going round as well.  
  
"Kinda?"  
  
"Well the way you acted with Carter freaked everybody out." He said, also half-smiling. Abby smiled again, she'd always respected Dr. Greene, he was a responsible person and a good doctor.  
  
"Yeah... erm... sorry about that,"  
  
"What the nurses are more concerned about though is why you did it," he said, letting her in softly on the gossip. He hesitated, "...and Luka's not too pleased with what he's been overhearing." At the mention of his name Abby rolled her eyes. "...Is... everything ok between you two?"  
  
Abby wondered whether she should drag Dr. Greene into her mess, "erm... well... no," she looked up at Mark. He was waiting for her to continue. "We haven't had the most stable of relationships. At the moment its like whenever we see each other we fight."  
  
Mark actually had a look of concern on his face, "who's fault is that?" he asked gently.  
  
"He's never been ok with Carter being my friend. He's jealous," she stopped to remember going to the charity ball with Carter. She remembered telling John in the limo that Luka never got jealous. She felt like laughing out loud. "He's been trying too hard recently, doing stupid things and saying stupid things. I know he means well, but... but... I don't want him to make decisions for me, I want him to make them with me." She looked at Dr. Greene again.  
  
Mark didn't know what else to say. So he thought he'd better change the subject, "so why did run out of Carter's trauma?"  
  
Abby paused again, wondering if she should drag Dr. Greene further down. Definitely not, "its just that... that... he's my best friend."  
  
Mark understood what she meant, "you two are real close huh?"  
  
"... Yeah."  
  
"Well then maybe you should be there to support him?" he said it gently, trying not to make it sound wrong.  
  
Abby looked out at the city, "maybe you're right."  
  
"Take as long as you want Abby," he turned to go back downstairs.  
  
"Dr. Greene?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
She turned to face him, "thankyou."  
  
Mark smiled as he shut the door. Leaving Abby to light up another cigarette. Leaving her alone with her thoughts again.  
  
****   
  
"Vultures circling the dead. Picking up every last crumb."  
  
When she finally came back downstairs she was aware of all the eyes watching her. Every, nurse, doctor, receptionist and even janitor was watching her walk slowly over to the trauma room. She thought briefly about what could have been said about her, but stopped when she saw Luka. It seemed like an eternity before he slowly looked up at her. She saw the expression on his face... he was pissed. She felt like laughing again... no "Abby are you ok? you really worried me back there." Just a dirty look. He really didn't care...  
  
Her heart leapt into her mouth as she suddenly realised she was staring at an empty trauma room... with an empty bed...  
  
"Haleh, what happened to Carter?"  
  
Without looking up from her patient Haleh replied, "Oh he stabilised so they took him up to intensive care."   
  
Abby felt her heart fall back down into her chest. She meandered over to the elevator, again in full knowledge of everyone watching her. Pushing the button she wondered what they would all say to one another as soon as the doors closed. She was giving them a lot to go on. She smiled as the elevator forced itself into life remembering that rumours had been going around about her and Carter ever since that charity ball, and then the road trip made it ten times worse. She didn't blame them for gossiping, the same thing always happened when a man and a woman were close friends... The elevator doors opened and she stepped through into the ward. She saw Mark and Kerry walking towards her, still looking upset. She attempted a genuine smile, "Hi."  
  
"Hi Abby," Kerry retorted, trying to sound positive, "I take it you've come to see Carter?"  
  
She felt like saying, 'No Kerry, I came to feed my dog' but all that came out of her mouth was an equally optimistic, "yep."  
  
"Ok, he's hooked up to a ventilator right know," Abby nodded slowly as she saw Kerry hesitate. Hopefully she was going to let her have the rest of the shift off. "Listen Abby... I think it would be good if you took the rest of the night off... try and get some sleep." Jackpot.  
  
Abby half-smiled, "thankyou Dr. Weaver." Kerry and Mark smiled politely and walked past her. Leaving her to see Carter on her own. Taking a deep breath she once again attempted to summon courage from within. Courage she didn't have. Carter had always been the courageous one.  
  
She stood outside for a few more moments before stepping slowly through the doors into his room.  
  
****   
  
"We are standing on the edge."  
  
****   
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  



	3. Antidote

Title: The Long And Winding Road  
Author: Rob - fatabbot@btinternet.com  
Archive: Not without permission please  
Category: Carter/Abby  
Rating: PG-13 for a bit of bad language and nasty thoughts  
Spoilers: All of season 7  
Author's notes: Please excuse any incorrect medical terminology or procedures in this chapter. My knowledge of them is somewhat limited :)  
Disclaimer: The characters used in this story are not owned by myself. I'm just borrowing them, and promise to give them back. Also, any lyrics used in this story to head a scene were not written by myself. Again I am just borrowing them and giving them back untainted.  
Summary: Carter goes into a downward spiral, causing Abby to rethink an important decision she's made.  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 3 - Antidote  
  
She'd seen hundreds of people on a ventilator before and she could never understand why so many people burst into tears when they saw their family member or friend hooked up to one. She walked into Carter's intensive care room not expecting anything. After all she was a nurse, there wasn't much that she hadn't seen. There was something about this though. As she got closer to the bed she could see every tube that was hooked up to him and the expression on his face. For a split second she thought that he was dead. "Oh Carter," she whimpered as she was slowly breaking. Not fighting her emotions she collapsed into one of the two chairs positioned by the bed put her head onto his stomach and cried. She sympathised with those people know. She was surprised no-one came to see what was going on as her sobs were deafening, that and the occasional, "why did you do it Carter? Why?" but there wasn't even a movement from beyond the door. Maybe this happens every day?  
  
Carter was stable but he wasn't out of the woods. He was still unconscious and he still wasn't breathing on his own. Abby bravely looked up at his face. He looked so lifeless, she just wanted him to open his eyes and look at her the way he always did, with his lovely brown eyes that just screamed out to her, "don't worry Abby, everything's going to be ok." Then they would hug, instantly forgetting about the events transpired, and everything would be ok. He had a habit of doing things like that.  
  
Slowly putting her head back down on his stomach she closed her eyes and remembered the last time Carter had relapsed. After working a 36-hour shift, then being up all night helping Dr. Chen deliver her baby and then working through a trauma he took some Vicodin that happened to be on the desk. Terrified, he ran to her immediately. That was the thing about Carter, since he came back from rehab he knew that he had a problem and he knew that he needed help. Maybe that was why he asked her to be his sponsor? It was somewhat surprising when he came running over to her and placed the two moistened pills in her hand. He had admitted to her about what he had done. That was a huge step for a drug addict. Recalling the time when he was confronted by Kerry and Mark she remembered him pacing up and down the room, firmly stating that some kind of mistake had been made. Everyone in that room knew he was lying and all of them held a little bit of regret inside of them. The fact that they almost allowed this to happen when all the signs were there. Abby was deprecating herself for three months because she almost cost the guy his job. She looked up at him again, she thought she'd wrecked this guys life. It was only when he made possibly the most sincere apology she'd ever heard that she changed her mind. She smiled. That's how good it was. Carter told her that she had saved his life, which made her dance inside. Whenever she felt down, which was quite often, she would just reminisce back to the time when Carter said to her, "if it wasn't for you I could be dead," and she would be lifted just enough to carry on with whatever the hell she was doing.  
  
Slowly her face soured again. She may have saved Carter's life before, but now she could be the one who kills him...  
  
****   
  
"Mark do you know where Abby is?" Luka asked.  
  
Mark looked up from his chart and wondered how he would take the news he was about to give him. If he was anything like Abby said then he wouldn't take it very well at all. "... She's up in intensive care."  
  
Luka looked up at him, puzzled, "Why is she up there?"  
  
Mark hesitated again, "She's in Carter's room." He noticed Luka's immediate change of expression. His face had gone cloudy. Abby was right.  
  
"Ok thankyou," was all Luka could manage before he stormed towards the lift.  
  
"No problem," Mark called out but Luka didn't hear him. He grimaced and wondered what Luka would say when he saw her in his room.  
  
"There's gonna be sparks flying upstairs tonight!" Haleh said as she walked past Mark. Mark grinned, he really should try and stop the gossiping. But that would be harder than stopping a freight train.  
  
****   
  
"Breathe... Keep breathing. Don't lose your nerve."  
  
Abby looked at Carter's face as she sat over him, gently stroking his forehead and pushing his hair up to keep it out of his eyes. She smiled, he really needed a haircut.  
  
"What are you doing here?" a voice called out.  
  
She knew who it was before she'd even looked up, "Hi Luka."  
  
"What are you doing in here?" He asked again.  
  
"What do you think I'm doing Luka?" Abby snapped back, "Carter has just had an overdose I think he needs some support don't you?"  
  
"He's unconscious Abby."  
  
"So?"  
  
"You don't need to be up here. The nurses will look after him," Luka was clearly aggravated. He had jealousy rubbed all over his face.  
  
"Maybe I want to look after him."  
  
"You don't need to Abby," he said, trying to sympathise.  
  
"Yes I do."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Abby looked at Carter again, "you wouldn't understand."  
  
Luka started to raise his voice, "how can I understand when you wont tell me. You never talk to me anymore Abby. Why is it you can rattle all your problems off to Carter but you can't talk to me."  
  
"Is this what this is all about?" Abby asked. Luka didn't say anything. "I can't believe you would get so jealous," she said with a little humour in her voice. Again Luka remained silent. Abby rolled her eyes and looked back down at Carter, "I'll see you tomorrow Luka."  
  
Luka turned away too angry to say anything, but he had nothing to say anyway.  
  
****   
  
"Breathe... Keep breathing. I can't do this alone."  
  
She opened her eyes abruptly and was surprised by the light coming in through the nearby window. She couldn't remember even closing her eyes but she had actually got a good nights sleep. Not hard considering it was her first in two days. Not bothering to move she knew exactly where she was and why she was there.  
  
"Excuse me miss, it's not recommendable that you sleep on the patients."  
  
Abby lifted her head quickly realising she had fallen asleep with her head on Carter's chest. The voice belonged to an intensive care nurse who had walked in to check Carter's status. With one eye open and one hand trying to fluff up the hair that had stuck to the side of her face Abby watched the nurse look at the various monitors.  
  
"I see you've made an improvement Dr. Carter."  
  
Abby spun around quickly, a wave of optimism overcoming her. She once told herself not to be too optimistic in life and the same applied today. Carter was still lying with his eyes shut tight, with tubes coming out of his mouth, looking like the immovable object that he was. For a brief second Abby thought that he was watching her sleep and that he was completely recovered. Not today. She immediately hated the nurse for making her act like such a dunce. "Sorry about that... falling asleep on him." She attempted a smile.  
  
It must have been successful as the nurse smiled back. She was young and looked like she was a first day rookie. Abby hoped that for Carter's sake she wasn't. "That's ok."  
  
"How's he doing," Abby said as she turned to look at him.  
  
"Slightly better than when he came in," the nurse replied, "we still don't know when he will regain consciousness though."  
  
"So he's out of the woods?"  
  
The nurse scrunched her face up. Abby hated her even more. "Most likely," she said, "but it's still too early to be sure."  
  
Abby felt a huge weight drop off her shoulders. It looked like he was going to pull through. She looked down at him again and smiled, genuinely this time.  
  
"So how long have you been together?" the nurse asked, trying to create conversation as she did her job.  
  
Abby cough-laughed, "oh we're not together," she smiled again, "he's a really close friend." She saw the nurse smile a knowing smile, "no really... I have a boyfriend." She said almost in defence. The nurse didn't say anything, she just continued with that smile that was making Abby feel uneasy. As she walked out of the room Abby was shocked. She definitely hated that nurse now. She turned to Carter, "did you hear that?" she said to him, "you're going to be fine." She moved in towards him and kissed him gently on the forehead, "you're going to be fine."  
  
****   
  
It was midday by the time she got back at her apartment. She felt guilty about leaving Carter on his own but the nurses, and then the supervisor insisted that she go home and let them work without badgering them for answers about whether Carter would wake up soon. She didn't know why she was asking them, as there was no way they would know but she just had a gut feeling that sooner or later he was going to open his eyes. She was going to be there when he did.  
  
Looking around at the squalid mess that was her home she sighed. She really should have stayed at the hospital, it was in a better condition than this place. Finding some coffee she had the machine going quickly as she was in need of a caffeine fix. Maybe she could get some sleep too. Even though it was unlikely she thought it was definitely a good idea. After all she'd had 6 hours sleep in the last two and a half days and she was working a shift tonight. Damn, she rued herself for not trying to get the night off. Carter was going to wake up soon, or so she hoped anyway, and she had to work tonight. Perfect.  
  
Sitting at the breakfast table sipping on her coffee she again thought about the events of the last few days. Only now she had far much more hope.  
  
****   
  
For the second time in a day Abby opened her eyes abruptly as she was startled and awoke. Noticing the time she quickly ran into the shower and in a split second was feeling the relief of warm water splashing on her body. She paused for a second when she thought she heard something, but then carried on after dismissing it. The sleep she'd got had actually rejuvenated her and she was ready for her shift... a first.  
  
Stepping out of the shower she thought about what she could do tonight in terms of Carter and his intensive care room. She could spend her breaks and lunch up there but she knew that for the majority of the evening she would have to worry. Not good news for her patients...  
  
As she walked out of her bathroom she noticed that someone had left a message on her answering machine. Stopping as she dried her hair she pressed play.  
  
"Hi Abby... its me Luka. Call me whenever you get this ok... We need to talk."  
  
She walked through into her bedroom and started pulling on clothes. "Good," she said to herself. She had something to say to him too.  
  
****   
  
"Dr. Weaver!" Abby called out, "Can I have my break now?" it was the third time she had asked in the space of twenty minutes.  
  
Kerry grinned, she normally detested people asking her if they could have their break all the time. This time though she could smile in the face of it all. She knew where Abby wanted to be. "Ok Abby, you've been annoying enough. Go and have your break."  
  
Abby beamed, "thankyou so much Dr. Weaver," and skipped off toward the elevator.  
  
"What's she so happy about?" Dr. Dave Malucci asked.  
  
"I guess Carter is improving..." Weaver replied.  
  
****   
  
"Can't get the stink off. He's been hanging round for days."  
  
Abby had been in a good mood at work. The thought almost made her shudder. Was that legal? As she predicted she was thinking about Carter non-stop, but the fact that he was improving rapidly made those thoughts positive. Even now when she arrived at his room there was more good news, he was doing so well that they had taken him off the ventilator. Granted he was still wearing an oxygen mask it was still an improvement. It was another thing to be happy about. These last few days made her realise how much she needed Carter in her life. She sat down next to him and took his hand in hers. She rubbed it gently and whispered, "open your eyes Carter... open your eyes for me."  
  
A knock at the door made her jump... "Come in!"  
  
It was Luka, "hi," he said. It was a mixture of anger and fear. Anger that she was with Carter again, fear that he could easily say the wrong thing.  
  
Abby looked up, "hi."  
  
"Did you get my message?"  
  
She tried to act annoyed, "oh... yeah... damn. Sorry I was going to call... it must have slipped my mind." A pitiful attempt. Luka probably wouldn't spot it.  
  
"Can we talk outside?"  
  
Abby looked down at Carter again, "erm... sure," she placed Carter's hand on his chest and walked out of the room with Luka. "What's up," she said, trying to act as casual as possible.  
  
"Why are you up here again?"  
  
Abby rolled her eyes, "Luka! I already told you. Carter needs my support..."  
  
He cut her off, "He has everyone's support! There is no one in the ER who doesn't want him to pull through this. Why do you have to spend every free moment you have up here?"  
  
Abby looked through the door at Carter, "because he did this because of me."  
  
"Abby you're being paranoid."  
  
"No Luka I'm not. Carter did this because I told him we couldn't be friends anymore..."  
  
Luka seemed shocked, "Why did you do that?"  
  
"Because of you..." Abby replied, waiting for a response.  
  
****   
  
Carter slowly and surely opened his eyes. The last thing he could remember was sitting in his bathroom, and now he was in what looked like a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. Slowly gathering his thoughts, he noticed Abby outside. He half-smiled but this quickly disappeared when he saw Luka standing next to her. He looked at them... they both seemed annoyed. Were they having an argument? He desperately tried to listen to what they were saying. He could tell from their faces that their voices were getting louder, but he just couldn't make out what they were saying...  
  
****   
  
"What so we're back here again. I'm fed up with having this same argument every day." The fight was becoming more heated. The last person Abby had argued like this with was Richard.  
  
"You might be fed up with it Abby but this is important to me. Why can't you talk to me? I want you to tell me your problems, not Carter..."  
  
"Ok you want to know why I don't tell you my problems Luka?" she saw him nod, "because you are my problems..." she looked down at the floor.  
  
Luka looked down and bit his lip. He felt a little hurt by what she had just said. He was strangely pleased that he had got her to open up to him, but still being told that you are a problem never goes down well. Maybe that's why she never spoke to him? "Abby..."  
  
"Luka I care about you I really do, but the way this is going I can't see any future for us. We can't talk to each other, I'm prepared to admit that. And I also know that it's my fault too..."  
  
"No Abby," Luka cut in, "you're right." He looked up and smiled, surprising her. He nodded again and slowly turned and walked back down the hall.  
  
Abby paused briefly to think about what had just happened. Was that the end? She wasn't sure. She thought it was best not to dawn on it too much. She watched Luka walk down the stairs and then turned to go back inside...  
  
****   
  
Carter was closely watching the argument between Abby and Luka. Although he couldn't hear what they were saying he was certain it was pretty serious. This wasn't a little thing that she used to bitch to him about. This looked big. He watched as Luka walked away smiling, and thought that maybe they had sorted it all out. As Luka turned away his attention turned to Abby. She stood there looking confused, but as beautiful as ever...  
  
****   
  
As Abby walked inside she looked at Carter and smiled. His improvement was noticeable, his skin had more colour and he was breathing on his own, it was all very positive. She walked towards the curtains and busied herself trying to straighten them out. Looking at her watch she noticed that she should be getting back downstairs. Weaver would probably be looking for her. She walked toward the door and turned to look at Carter once more before she left... He was staring straight back at her.  
  
Immediately a huge smile spread across her face and she walked quickly towards the head of the bed. "Hey!" she said, delighted, "Hey!" she felt tears slowly build around her eyes. Carter tried to speak but she put a finger on her lips, "no, no shh, shh," she said. She reached down and stroked his forehead with her thumb. Carter lifted his arm and held her hand as she felt tears come down her face. She could never remember being so happy that she cried. She looked Carter in the eyes and noticed he was doing the same thing. His mouth was moving slightly, he was trying to speak but was too tired to do so. She moved in and tenderly kissed his forehead and wiped away the few tears that were dropping down his face. Carter tried to lift his arm up to Abby's face so he could do the same but he was too weak. Seeing this Abby took hold of his hand and pressed it up to her cheek, she felt his finger gently run little circles on her face and she smiled at him again. She looked down at him staring lovingly into her eyes and mouthed the words, "I love you," before kissing his hand gently. He didn't have to say anything... the small squeeze he gave her hand told her everything she needed to know.  
  
****   
  
"You are the sun and moon and stars are you."  
  
****   
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
  



	4. Dead Flowers

Title: The Long And Winding Road  
Author: Rob - fatabbot@btinternet.com  
Archive: Not without permission please  
Category: Carter/Abby  
Rating: PG-13 for a bit of bad language and nasty thoughts  
Spoilers: All of season 7  
Author's notes: This is the final part of my fic. I left the thankyou's till the end but I would just like to add that I've enjoyed writing this immensely. So I hope you've enjoyed reading it.  
Disclaimer: The characters used in this story are not owned by myself. I'm just borrowing them, and promise to give them back. Also, any lyrics used in this story to head a scene were not written by myself. Again I am just borrowing them and giving them back untainted. There is a summary of the songs used at the end of this chapter.  
Summary: Carter goes into a downward spiral, causing Abby to rethink an important decision she's made.  
  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Chapter 4 - Dead Flowers  
  
Carter sat on his bed half-listening to what Dave was saying to him. It had been three weeks since he woke up in a hospital room unsure of what he was doing there and why. Two weeks since he was released and told to have a few weeks rest before his condition was evaluated by a psychologist. He had been sitting in his bedroom for two weeks bored out of his mind. Virtually everyone had come to see him, offering encouragement, baskets of fruit and the occasional bundle of flowers. Dave, being the thoughtful soul he was, taped the big game for him. Not that he was that bothered about it. He tried to act excited as Dave whooped and cheered sitting next to the bed.  
  
"Wow man! Did you see that!" Dave turned to face him.  
  
Carter nodded and smiled "I know."  
  
Dave looked up at the clock hanging from the wall. His eyes widened, "oh shit! I'm late. Weaver's gonna kill me!!" He jumped out of his chair. "Is it ok if I leave you to watch the rest on your own."  
  
Carter nodded again, "sure," he hesitated a little before adding, "just tell Weaver that you were with me."  
  
Dave smirked and said, "Yeah but I doubt she'll believe me." Dave looked around the room, "Are you ok man? Anything you want me to get you?"  
  
"No no I'm fine. Just get to work."  
  
"Take it easy buddy." Dave said as he walked out. Carter smiled again. Everyone was being really considerate. He stopped to remember all of his visitors. Deb came over with flowers and a supportive smile. Kerry stopped over. Mark and Elizabeth brought their new baby to see him. The nurses sent him a fruit basket with a card saying, "everyone here knows you'll be fine. With all our best wishes..." Heck even Luka had phoned him.  
  
And Abby... Well there had been no Abby. No phone calls, no get-well-soon card, nothing. Why? Part of the reason that he had made such a quick recovery was that he felt so happy after she had told him that she loved him. Why hadn't she visited if she loved him? Was it the other type of love? Did she still view him as a girlfriend? He quickly stopped, not wanting to go down that road of self-deprecation and loathing again. It was a road he knew all too well. He could drive down it with his eyes closed. Not today. Not ever again.  
  
Sleep was the answer. Sleep was the answer to everything. Whenever he wondered what Abby could be doing besides calling or even visiting him he would just shut his eyes and go to sleep. Everyone who came to see him had always told him to get some rest. It drove him nuts but they were right. He closed his eyes and wrapped himself in his blanket. He could feel sweat dripping down his back slowly, but he ignored it. Just get to sleep.  
  
"Where are you now? When I need you."  
  
****   
  
"It wears her out. It wears her out."  
  
She sat in the lounge with both hands clasped around a precious cup of coffee. It hadn't been a particularly difficult shift but she had never felt so tired. Taking a sip she closed her eyes and immediately thought of Carter. Slowly the image cleared; he was being taken into another room for a final check up before they discharged him. He was smiling at her and she was smiling back at him. Just was they were walking through the doors he shouted out, "I love you Abby!" She felt herself smile but inside she could feel waves of fear shooting through her body. To hear him say it, so sincerely and truthfully scared her to death. He really did love her...  
  
And what of Luka? They had hardly spoken since they had their big fight but she still didn't know whether the relationship was over or not. It was as far as she was concerned but she didn't know if Luka thought the same thing. Did he think they were on a break or something? She shook herself out of her daze...  
  
Coffee. More coffee.  
  
"Hey Abby," Dave said as he jumped through the doors. No doubt escaping the wrath of Weaver. Abby shot him a glare over the top of her mug. "Woh!" Dave said, holding up his hands in defence, "what did I do?"  
  
Abby sipped her coffee, "nothing," she said sarcastically. She hesitated... "How's Carter?"  
  
"Oh Carter he's erm... doing great," Dave replied. He hesitated, something else was coming, "He misses you you know."  
  
She almost choked on her coffee, "what?"  
  
"I can tell. He didn't say it but I can tell. He wants you to go see him."  
  
Abby was on defence, "what makes you think he wants to see me?"  
  
Dave smiled, "c'mon Abby I'm not stupid," he heard her laugh, "I know how close you two are." Abby felt her cheeks turn a shade of pink. He looked at her seriously, "go and see him." Abby nodded and he walked out. Leaving her to return to her mug.  
  
****   
  
"There's a shadow on the path. Till I know... If your love is real."  
  
He lay in bed trying to think about anything but her. The sleep he had was brief and unfulfilling, and now it was back to staring at his dull grey ceiling. She did say that she loved him right? Was it just a dream? If it was it was a pretty realistic dream. She held his hand, stroked his cheek, kissed his head and told him she loved him... Right?  
  
His thoughts were killed by three loud raps on the door.  
  
Carter got up slowly, wrapped his blanket around his shoulders, and slowly walked towards the door. Leaning in close he said softly, "who is it?"  
  
"I have a special delivery here for a Mr. John T. Carter."  
  
Puzzled, he opened the door to see a short, chubby, balding man holding a white box that had its lid taped down. After signing where he was supposed to he ripped the box open. He felt a tear come to his eye as he looked at its contents.  
  
"Are you ok buddy?"  
  
"Erm... yeah," Carter said as he removed the gift from the box. He smiled, "yeah I'm fine."  
  
****   
  
As he stepped out of the shower he heard a distant sound sneaking through the crack in his bathroom door. It was late, and he was just about ready to turn in. Pulling on some old, worn-out clothes he walked through into his kitchen and grabbed a bottle of milk from his refrigerator. Drinking it slowly he heard the sound again.  
  
Turning around trying to find the source of the noise he saw nothing but an empty room filled with various shadows. The moonlight poked through the window and made images all around the room. Nothing again. He frowned, what the hell was that?  
  
Again.  
  
Slowly Carter looked over at the door and heard it again. A faint knocking that was only just noticeable. Carter walked slowly towards the source and wondered who could possibly be calling this late at night. Another barely audible rap on the door. It sounded like a child's knock, someone who had to stand on their tiptoes to reach the knocker.  
  
Reaching the door he leaned in close and spoke softly, "who is it."  
  
A small voice on the other side of the door replied, "it's me."  
  
Carter slowly took the chain off its hook and opened the door to see Abby standing before him. She was wearing her leather jacket and had it wrapped around her chest, with her arms folded across herself for extra comfort. Carter knew that this told him she was feeling vulnerable. Without saying a word he stepped aside giving her enough room to walk through into his apartment. He watched her slowly walk into the middle of the room and stop, not turning to face him, almost captivated by the window and the shards of light flicking around it. He closed the door and tried to think of something to say...  
  
"Thanks for the gift," she turned to face him and he smiled warmly.  
  
She noticed and smiled back, "I told you they look nice."  
  
Carter chuckled, "actually I think there's something sad and dark about them." They both laughed. Slowly silence seeped back in-between them and they both looked around, sensing the awkwardness of their situation.  
  
Abby managed to speak first, "So um... Are you going to come back to work soon?"  
  
"Hopefully. Mark and Kerry are going to see me in a few days, if they like what they see then a psychologist'll evaluate me. Then if..."  
  
"He likes what he sees you'll be allowed to go back to work?"  
  
They both nodded, knowing why he wasn't being fired. If he was then Kerry and Mark would be giving him more reasons to turn back to drugs for everything like he did before. There was no way any other hospital would hire him. Firing him would only make things worse. Plus his change of mood and speed of recovery obviously had a positive effect on his superiors.  
  
Abby looked down at the floor, he could feel her nervousness coming back but he could also see a small smile force itself onto her lips, "I'm glad you're ok John."  
  
Carter smiled, "me too," he said. She looked up and they smiled at each other again. Carter took on a serious tone, and Abby in turn stopped smiling. Her eyes widened, waiting for Carter to say something. "Abby I just... well what I wanted to say to you... I mean... thankyou Abby." Abby shook he head telling him that it wasn't a problem. "No," Carter said quickly and she looked up at him. "I mean it. Thankyou for standing by me over these last few months. I don't know if I could've coped if it wasn't for you. You've helped me in too many ways to mention and because of you I feel happier than I've ever been in a long time." He saw her smile and couldn't help but do the same himself, seeing her happy could turn his days around. He saw a small tear move slowly down her cheek. Moving in close towards her he held her face in his hands and wiped her face with his thumbs. She gently held his wrists and looked into his eyes, she saw something she had never seen in Carter before. Carter licked his upper-lip tentatively and whispered, "I love you Abby. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life," and with that he slowly moved closer to her and kissed her gently on the lips, then on her cheek.  
  
Abby felt another tear drop down her face, "I love you too Carter."  
  
As they kissed again they both knew that the tragedy of the last few days had brought them together. This could be looked at as a beginning. They had always been there for one another before. And now neither was going to let the other go.  
  
****   
  
"Cos I know... That my love is real."  
  
****   
  
THE END  
  
****   
  
I'd just like to say thanks to a few people who really aided the writing of this fic. My good buddies Drummer and Kitty for being my willing guinea pigs and offering all sorts of advice and encouragement. All the people at the carby forum on FF for being so supportive. All the people who wrote reviews, your positive comments kept this fic alive. And of course (at a risk of sounding cheesy and cliched) to you for reading it.  
  
Rob  
  
****   
  
The Songs  
  
This is a round up of all the songs lyrics used in each chapter. Naming the artist it was recorded by and which album it can be found on.  
  
Songs are listed in order of their appearance in the chapter.  
  
'Devastation'  
Lyric taken from 'How To Disappear Completely' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'Kid A.'  
Lyric taken from 'Paranoid Android' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'OK Computer.'  
Lyric taken from 'Pyramid Song' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'Amnesiac.'  
Lyric taken from 'Creep' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'Pablo Honey.'  
  
'Consequences'  
Lyric taken from 'Knives Out' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'Amnesiac.'  
Lyric taken from 'How To Disappear Completely' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'Kid A.'  
Lyric taken from 'Bulletproof... I wish I was' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'The Bends.'  
Lyric taken from 'Optimistic' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'Kid A.'  
Lyric taken from 'Lucky' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'OK Computer.'  
  
'Antidote'  
Lyric taken from 'Exit Music (For A Film)' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'OK Computer.'  
Lyric taken from 'Exit Music (For A Film)' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'OK Computer.'  
Lyric taken from 'Just' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'The Bends.'  
Lyric taken from 'You' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'Pablo Honey.'  
  
'Dead Flowers'  
Lyric taken from 'The Bends' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'The Bends.'  
Lyric taken from 'Fake Plastic Trees' by Radiohead. It can be found on the album 'The Bends.'  
Lyric taken from 'If Your Love Is Real' by David Gray. It can be found on the album 'Lost Songs.'  
Lyric taken from 'If Your Love Is Real' by David Gray. It can be found on the album 'Lost Songs.'  
  
  



End file.
